Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
he shaved USA in his pubs
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
