I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
