I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
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Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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