your room smells of hookers.
And success
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
