I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
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SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
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Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Bring me that man meat
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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