hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
