she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
