Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
