I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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