His pubic hair was longer than his dick
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
