Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
