I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
