Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
