I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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