Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
the liver wants what the liver wants
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
