I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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