Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
