I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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