Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
