What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
