I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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