Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
