so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
