I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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