My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
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GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
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Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
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