Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Randomize
