we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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