Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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