first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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