I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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