i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
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She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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