Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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