So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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