What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
