This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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