my phone needs a breathalizer
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
