somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
