it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
