Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I supernannyed him into submission
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
