what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
