I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
