in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
