I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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