the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
