New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
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