I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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