I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
