i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Come on in and take your pants off
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