dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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