I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
