It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
he fucked my hip out of place.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
