I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
