there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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