Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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