Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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