oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
