the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
